


Homesick

by RayneSummer



Series: Merlin - Episode Tags [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Episode Tag: s01ep10 The Moment of Truth, Gen, Sick Merlin (Merlin), and despondence leads to sickness if youre not careful, gwen wants to look after merlin, no one is okay after losing a childhood best friend, thought of this after watching the Ealdor episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:54:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24376849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RayneSummer/pseuds/RayneSummer
Summary: After Merlin returns from Ealdor, his despondence at Will's death gets him sick for the first time since originally arriving at Camelot.
Relationships: Gaius & Merlin (Merlin), Gwen & Merlin (Merlin)
Series: Merlin - Episode Tags [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1794352
Comments: 5
Kudos: 134





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I watched the Ealdor episode for whatever time and wanted to do more episode tag stuff and blend it with some dealing with death and suffering sickness, including friends and looking after, obviously. Also Morgana was great and series 1 was so good pls and thank

They left in the morning, early enough that it wasn’t unusual for Merlin to remain quiet throughout the journey preparations. Each of them bid goodbye and gave thanks to Hunith for her accommodation, and wished her the best. Merlin just nodded along and simply gave his mother another tight hug, having already said everything he’d needed to in the days past.

After a day’s travel on horseback, it was similarly quiet, only broken by Morgana and Gwen’s concerned muttering between one another. Arthur was in a brooding mood, and just stared at the campfire as they settled down for the night.

Morning arrived and the pattern of silence continued. As Camelot came into view, the weary horses, having been pushed to arrive back earlier than perhaps necessary, broke into a faster step, spurred on by their equally tired owners. Morgana and Arthur particularly were looking forward to sleeping in warm castle chambers again, while Gwen and Merlin were no worse off for living as they were used to.

Nights together on the floor had knit the little group together, but after the two day ride in silence, the comradery faded slightly, their statuses in Camelot coming back as the castle drew nearer.

The four travellers trotted through the gate and up to the, guards both yelling orders and muttering among one another as they travelled through the lower town and approached the looming walls of their home. Arthur had tensed the moment they had spotted the palace, and his shoulders straightened as they arrived at the bottom of the steps.   
There, standing in fury, stood Uther.

Silently, Morgana and Arthur slipped off their steads and exchanged a look before looking back at their servants, simultaneously making a decision. Gwen and Merlin started forward to attend to their respective master and mistress, but almost as one, both royals held up a hand and gestured for the servants to leave the presence of the king.

Exchanging a similar look, Gwen and Merlin reluctantly backed up and slowly walked towards a side door, glancing back as their lord and lady gracefully ascended the steps in a dignified silence.

Still without talking, Merlin gave Gwen a quick nod before picking up speed and heading to the physician’s chambers a back way, moving alone and quietly. It was evening already and he expected Gwen wanted to get back to her home as much as he wanted to get to his. Well, his home here anyway. He’d already left his actual home the day before. Again.

Gwen gave her friend’s back a concerned look as he walked off, and hesitated, glancing towards where her home waited. She knew Morgana wouldn’t want her to get caught up in however Uther was dealing with her and Arthur’s rebelling disappearance, so she could sleep easy in her own bed, but the image of Merlin standing with a stony expression in front of the pyre back in Ealdor made her pause. He hadn’t said barely anything since they’d left, and she was worried.

So she followed, not having to keep him in sight since she was almost certain he’d be heading back to his own room as she should be, similarly tired as the rest of them after days of travelling and a night camping.

Sure enough, Gwen’s prediction was confirmed as she turned a corner quick enough to see Merlin climb the stairs past the Court Physician sign. She hesitated again, unsure.

After all, she hadn’t known Will. In fact, she barely knew anything of Merlin before he had arrived in Camelot, when she met him stuck in the stocks but still with a smile on his face. Seeing him back in his childhood home was rather nice, actually, despite the situation. He’d been at ease in a way she hadn’t really seen before, greeting people with familiarity (if not pleasure, with some, she noticed) and engaging in fighting for the village with a determination Gwen could see came from defending one’s own home.

So what right did she have to approach him after losing a childhood best friend? She tried to think about how she would feel if she lost someone she’d cared for, someone she’d known for long. The best person she could come up with was Morgana, and Gwen found the thought of losing Morgana more upsetting than she cared to entertain at the moment. Shaking her head to rid of those thoughts,

Gwen made up her mind. She was still his friend, after all, and she wanted to at least make sure he was alright.

Or, at least, allow him to pretend he was alright.

* * *

Gaius looked up from where he was reading at a table as the door opened, revealing Merlin who looked exhausted and lost in the evening light filtering in from the window.

The old physician stood as quickly as he could, moving around the table to greet the boy. “Merlin,” he said in relief, but said boy just gave him a short nod before continuing up to his room, already dropping his bag from both shoulders to one, ready to drop everything and curl up in bed.

Concerned, Gaius just watched as the door to the small room shut quietly, blocking him out. Clearly something was wrong, but without having been there, Gaius wasn’t sure how to comfort his ward from what had happened.

Then the door creaked open again, and Gaius looked around, curious as to who else would be arriving at this hour.

Gwen gave a small smile as she poked her head in. She looked similarly bedraggled, suggesting their journey had been long and tiring, and as well as whatever had happened at the village. Gwen’s expression changed to worry as she eyed the closed door to Merlin’s room.

“Gwen?” Gaius asked cautiously. Something important was amiss. They had clearly only just returned, and there was no sign of either Arthur or Morgana, suggesting they were doing something else than their servants.

She looked back at him, concern in her eyes. “Has he said anything?” She asked quietly.

Gaius frowned and shook his head. “Nothing.” He gazed at her. “What happened?”

With a sigh, Gwen glanced behind her before deciding and entering the room fully, closing the door behind her with a gentle click. She hesitated again, eyes flicking from Merlin’s room and back to the physician who waited patiently.

“I’m… not sure it’s my place to say,” she explained. Gaius sat down on a chair and gestured for her to join him. After a short pause, she approached and perched on a stool nearby.

“What is it, child?” He asked softly. He wasn’t sure if Merlin had actually gone to bed, but they would be quiet anyway, just in case.

Gwen glanced at the closed door again. “What do you know of Merlin’s childhood in Ealdor?” She ventured, deciding to gauge what Gaius needed to know first.

He raised an eyebrow. “Not much. Only what Hunith, his mother, has told me.” That was much of an answer, so Gaius added, “She used to write to me every now and again, even before she decided to send him here.”

“Did you know anything of his friends?”

“He had few,” Gaius recounted, thinking back to the letters that said of bullying and hate, even in the little town. “I think she said he was only particularly close to one, maybe two, other children there.”

Gwen nodded. “I don’t know about two, but we met someone called Will. Apparently he was Merlin’s best friend when he lived there.” Her face softened. “Clearly they used to be around each other a lot. He seemed to know something, and I guess…” She sighed. “Now we know what it was.”

Growing concerned, Gaius leant forward. “What was it? What happened?”

“…Arthur said he confessed to being a sorcerer.” Her words were heavy with implication and Gaius was immediately alarmed. He looked around to where Merlin had disappeared into his room, suddenly very afraid. Merlin hadn’t seemed scared when he entered, more simply resigned, but it could mean the same thing.

Never one to jump to conclusions, Gaius said carefully, “Who is a sorcerer?”

It wouldn’t do to assume if they didn’t know, although he wasn’t sure how else this could be interpreted.

Gwen seemed to pick up on his emotions, because she held out a hand, her face sad. “It’s okay, there’s nothing anyone can do to him now,” she said with a heavy sigh. “Although he did save Arthur’s life so I’m not sure what would have happened if he had survived. Not that anyone could survive a crossbow bolt to the chest, protecting a prince or not.”

In his mind, Gaius heaved a sigh of short lived relief. He could gather that whoever they thought a sorcerer had died in battle, and despite how bad Merlin had looked when he’d walked in, he wasn’t dead.

For which Gaius was again so thankful for. The boy managed to return to him yet again.

But something important had still happened, to Gaius shifted to face Gwen more and hear the whole story. “What happened, Gwen?”

She met his eyes, her own showing sadness, but not for herself.

* * *

In the end, she gave a short account of their few days in Ealdor. She told of Kanen and his men, the battle, and the wind that turned the tides, the action that Arthur swore was magic. Then before anyone could explain, Will had been shot and they’d left him with Merlin, giving the two some privacy despite knowing what was going to happen.

“None of us had any idea,” Gwen mused, eyes far away. “But I suppose you can’t tell a sorcerer from the outside.”

Gaius nodded slowly, having grown worried throughout the story as there continued to be no sound or movement from the other room. Part of him was boundlessly relieved that they had won, and despite using magic, Merlin hadn’t been found out. But he had lost a close friend, and that could be just as devastating in other ways.

Gwen hesitated. “He wasn’t evil,” she said suddenly. Gaius looked at her. “He used it to save all of us and his village. That isn’t evil.” Her face was a mask of determination, standing by what she believed, as ever.

The old physician just nodded again, the little bit of hope that was kindled by this sort of reaction quickly quietened. It wouldn’t do to hope and lose again. After all these years, it just wouldn’t do. Gwen was sweet – and right, of course – but she had no standing. There was nothing promised behind her words, unfortunately. Other than loyalty, which was still important. But it wasn’t enough.

So he thanked Gwen for her account, and suggested she go home and get some rest. Accompanying her to the door, she gave him a worried smile and glanced at Merlin’s room for a last time. “Let me know if… Well, just tell him that I’m here,” she ventured, still unsure of what exactly to do. “If he wanted to talk, that is.”

Gaius smiled softly. Merlin may have lost someone, but he still had others. That didn’t make it any better, of course, but it was a fact he could be reminded of more often.

Gwen left, shutting the door as quietly as she had upon entering. Resting a hand against the old wood, Gaius let himself pause and consider what he’d learned. Merlin had saved his village but lost his friend – a friend that had taken the place of sorcerer without blame since he was already dying. No doubt Merlin hadn’t been pleased about that either. He would not have wanted someone else to take the blame, whether they could be punished or not. But what choice would he have had at that point? Will clearly knew what he was doing.

Gaius sighed, sadness settling in. His boy was back, mother and home safe, but this second entrance to the kingdom was shadowed in loss and memories. Merlin was changing before everyone’s eyes, growing up even as he had returned home.

He wondered what words Hunith would have had for her son after this. Hopefully something good and helpful. She was a thoughtful and loving soul. Hopefully her words had helped.

Gaius straightened up. Well, whether they had or not, Merlin was back under his roof now. And he would continue to make this place as much as a home as he could for the boy he’d grown to fiercely love.

* * *

Merlin came down the stairs in the morning, silent as he had entered.

Gaius had eventually decided to leave him for the night, to sleep or mourn alone, despite the urge to be there for him. But some things had to be waited out, and this was one of them.

So Gaius just made sure he was up and had a usual breakfast ready for when Merlin woke. And sure enough, the boy appeared as the morning bells rang outside the window, as if nothing had happened in the days he was gone.

“Breakfast?” Gaius gestured to the bowl of porridge he’d just dished up and set on the table, speaking quietly to gauge Merlin’s mood this morning. The boy looked at Gaius listlessly, something missing behind his eyes, before shaking his head. He was already dressed and clearly had no intention of hanging around or talking.

“Got to go see to Arthur,” he mumbled just loud enough to hear as he started towards the door. Gaius watched him go, concerned, but didn’t reply. The most important thing needed now was time.

Sighing, the physician replaced the pot of food in case Merlin would eat it later, and settled down to a breakfast alone before starting his own day.

True to his word, Merlin headed straight for Arthur’s chambers. Halfway there, he remembered the standoff that had happened yesterday on their return, and dithered for a moment, but ultimately decided that if Arthur wasn’t there, he’d just go and find something else to do. Maybe that would even be better. The prat might want to talk about Will and Merlin was not ready to have that conversation, and wasn’t sure when he would be.

What was there to talk about? As Arthur had seen it, Will was a sorcerer and now he was dead. End of story.

That was how things went here anyway. Magic was seen and destroyed. So that was that, there was no need to further discuss it.

Merlin knew he was being brash but he didn’t know how to else to feel yet. The journey back hadn’t been enough to fully reflect on the events, and if he told Gaius what really had happened, he’d probably suggest he take some days off – not that Arthur would let him, exactly, but being the court physician did offer some give, if Merlin had asked.

But he didn’t ask, he didn’t tell, he just wanted to be busy.

Fortunately, Arthur seemed to agree with him for once.

Immediately upon arriving, Merlin could tell the Prince was in a bad mood. No doubt having had to deal with Uther’s reprimands and whatever else had happened last night – Merlin couldn’t bring himself to care right now, Arthur wasn’t in actual danger from the king, so it didn’t matter – Arthur seemed determined to make everyone else’s day miserable too.

Pretty typical. If Merlin was in a better mood himself, he’d make fun of the man for being a prat as usual. But this wasn’t usual, and he did not want time alone in the dungeons or stocks.

So Merlin accepted the work without complaint. He had vaguely planned to seek out Morgana and hopefully Gwen with her during the day, but the jobs kept coming and he threw himself into them with emotion, cleaning stables with stabs of the pitchfork; sharpening crossbow bolts with an unusual viciousness (all the better to kill when shot in the chest); making Arthur’s bed and cleaning his chambers with a vengeance, even though he didn’t really blame the prince.

How could he, after the idiot had gone after him, alone, helped saved his village, accidently got his friend killed, and faced Uther’s wrath without complaint after disobeying again?

So they didn’t see much of each other, but that was fine. The days sleeping all together on the hard ground already seemed an age ago, the bonds formed by fighting together already disintegrating as they all easily slipped back into castle life.

The day passed quickly. Merlin did catch sight of Gwen in the halls at one point, but avoided her gaze and hurried off before she could call, deciding he didn’t want to talk after all.

He returned back to Gaius after dark, exhausted and aching, but vindictively pleased about it. Somewhat thankfully, the chambers were empty, a short note on the table explaining Gaius was called out (possibly to Uther, Merlin considered with grim amusement, to ask what to do with unruly children who kept leaving without reason for the greater good) and for Merlin to eat something.

Not particularly thrilled about that idea, but aware he hadn’t eaten properly since their small campfire meal the previous day, Merlin reluctantly tore a single slice of bread from a only slightly stale loaf nearby and nibbled it as he moved to his room, dropping Arthur’s armour next to his bed to remember to clean before morning.

But without work, Merlin found himself staring sightlessly at the plain walls, thinking. Tears threatened at his eyes as he tried to convince himself of Will’s choices, and he vehemently wiped at them, angry at himself, at Will for being dead, at the situation. At everything. Going home was supposed to be a good affair, not lead to more loss.

Armour cleaned until his hands were numb, Merlin put the metal aside to return tomorrow, and lay down face first on the hard bed. What he’d said to Arthur was true – life in Ealdor was simple. Sleep on the ground, work in the day, eat what you can. Life in Camelot was the complicated one.

But Arthur wouldn’t understand that. He’d lived royally. He had no idea.

Merlin shoved his head into his pillow, and managed to catch his temple on the wood of the bed, sending pain through him. He swore, rubbing the bruised side of his face into the pillow to try and lessen the agony. It shouldn’t have hurt that much, but a pounding headache had been at the back of his mind all day, so Merlin bitterly supposed this would set it off.

He shoved his head into his pillow again, refusing to think, and almost missed the sound of the outside door opening. He stilled, listening.

There was the sound of the door quietly being closed, and then careful footsteps moving closer. It wasn’t hard to figure out who it was even before they spoke.

“Merlin? Are you awake?”

Gaius. He sounded more worried than he’d usually let on, and usually Merlin would immediately want to allay any concern in the old man’s tone, but thing weren’t normal at the moment.

So he lay still and hid his face in the pillow and consciously made his breathing even as there was a gentle knock on his door and he heard it creak open.

Hoping Gaius would accept that he was not in fact awake, Merlin continued the act, pretending he wasn’t hyper aware of every sound.

There was a sigh and Merlin managed not to flinch as there was suddenly a hand in his hair without hearing anyone approach. But Gaius just rested the hand on the back of his head for a moment, the feeling so comforting and calm that Merlin really did relax a bit, the light presence helping the ache, before it was withdrawn and Gaius left, just as quietly.

Only when the door was closed and footsteps receded enough did Merlin open his eyes and sighed quietly to himself. He would talk to Gaius – how could he not, after everything the man did for him – but not tonight.

He hadn’t meant to fall asleep, but the calming sounds of Gaius doing whatever normal chores he was engaged in from the other room was soothing, and Merlin ended up dozing fitfully for most of the night.

* * *

The next morning Merlin wasn’t so punctual. And this was mostly due to his pounding head and aching body and he really regretted putting so much effort into yesterday’s work.

He groaned as he came to awareness, any calm affect from the previous night wearing off.

Willing himself to ignore the weariness in his very bones, Merlin got up, keeping any whining quiet enough not to be heard outside the room in case anyone else was there.

He slowly gathered up the armour, at least grateful he’d finished that chore last night, and dumped it on the bed rather than the floor. Arthur would want it later, but for now it could stay here. Mostly because Merlin wasn’t entirely sure his arms would be able to hold it all and again, he didn’t want anyone to see him drop the prince’s armour. So it could wait until his head felt less stuffed and his arms would obey him without question.

Since he hadn’t gotten undressed the night before, there was no need to dress this morning, and even if someone complained, it certainly wasn’t the first time Merlin had worn the same clothes for two days in a row. Despite not actually having meant to sleep in his day clothes, it really wasn’t that unusual, so he wasn’t worried about being called out for that. Not that anyone would particularly know. His reputation for being messy or not proper enough was fairly common, so that wasn’t a problem.

Grimacing, Merlin prepared for the day ahead by taking a breath and wondering what kind of chores he’d be assigned that could be assisted with magic to lessen the load. Yesterday’s emotions that fuelled him were gone, leaving only weariness and despondence.

It was tiring, and the aching didn’t help. His chest hurt a bit, but he chalked it up to the emptiness than came with grief. It could easily manifest as a physical symptom, Merlin knew.

He coughed into an arm as he reached for the door, and sniffed, too exhausted to care about looking a rumpled mess. Not like it mattered.

So it wasn’t until he had opened the door that he realised this morning’s background noise was talking.

By which point it was too late, since Gaius and Gwen had turned to look as he stepped into the main room.

They were standing by the front door, seemingly engaged in conversation, but Gwen’s features softened as she watched him hesitantly stepped down the stairs.

“Merlin.” She gave him a small smile that did nothing to hide the concern in her gaze. “How are you?”

He stopped and shrugged, knowing he should feel bad about not talking to Gwen but that feeling was too distant to care about right now. Gwen continued to look worried as she watched him cross the room until Gaius spoke up.

“Sit down and eat before you go, Merlin.” The words were firm but kind, and Gaius gestured to the table where a bowl of porridge was already waiting.

Merlin hesitated but the two of them were standing in front of the door so it wasn’t like he could get past them without a good excuse. Wearily, he sighed and resigned himself to forcing down something before leaving, if just to appease Gaius and be actually allowed to leave.

Sitting down heavily, he stirred the food, appetite absent, as the chatter slowly started up again.

Before he knew it, Gwen left, calling out a goodbye that jerked Merlin out of thoughts and he glanced up just to see her skirt whip out of sight around the corner. Gaius closed the door carefully and turned to face him, expression so serious that Merlin quickly dropped his gaze back to the bowl and just listened at Gaius’ approach to sit down opposite him.

There was a pause. “Gwen told me what happened, from what she knows, of course.”

Merlin just nodded numbly, wishing he was anywhere else. Well, maybe not anywhere. He’d rather not be back in that house with Will dying in front of him.

“Can you fill in the rest?” Gaius’ request was open-ended; not a statement. Merlin could refuse, he really could. But the urge to tell someone what really happened made itself known. He sighed and glanced up. His mentor’s stare was steady and true, and Merlin knew he was safe.

So he spoke, a little hoarsely and skipping over things Gwen would have already accounted for.

“And Will said that he was the sorcerer, and of course Arthur believed him, because who doesn’t believe a dying man.” He let out a humourless chuckle, remembering the time Arthur had absolutely not believed that he himself was a sorcerer. Maybe because he hadn’t been dying after saving his life. Should’ve said it while poisoned, Merlin mused to himself with grim amusement. But no doubt Arthur would have thought him raving with fever and still wouldn’t believe. Maybe the prince never would for some reason. Though he certainly hadn’t been blind to Merlin’s magic back in Ealdor.

Gaius just sat quietly and waited until Merlin had stuck a spoonful of porridge in his mouth – more for something to do than anything, also his throat kind of hurt, presumably after talking more than he had for literal days – before replying.

“I’m sorry,” he said with the usual levity. Not that he wasn’t sorry when he said it, just it was familiar, sorrow always heavy on his tongue with the frequency of apologies in the job.

Merlin nodded without looking up. The breakfast left a weird taste in his mouth and he wondered vaguely if Gaius had for some reason dosed it with something. It wouldn’t have been the first time the physician had tried to put some kind of potion in someone’s food to have them take it.

He shrugged when Gaius didn’t continue. “When we got back, Uther looked furious, but Arthur and Morgana had Gwen and I leave,” he added, considering that a part of the story. He still didn’t know exactly what had happened there, and guessed he wouldn’t.

“Yes, Gwen came here after that, following you.”

Merlin frowned at the bowl. “Why was she following me?”

“Because she was worried,” Gaius said simply. The man never missed a chance to remind him how much others apparently cared, Merlin thought almost sourly. Why they cared, he had no idea. It would only get them killed, all of them, eventually.

With a shrug, more to ward off thoughts than anything, Merlin stood up, ignoring the still half full bowl, and headed for the door, unwilling and unwanting to speak more in case he ended up doing something stupid like crying.

“Going to work. See you later,” he muttered without looking around, knowing Gaius would be watching him with concern. And Merlin couldn’t handle that right now.

So he left, briefly coughing again as he descended the steps from their chambers and headed into the main castle.

But whatever mood Arthur was in, it hadn’t changed much. The prince was still brooding, and barely glanced over as his manservant entered. The second he opened his mouth, a thunderous expression on his face, Merlin knew it would be another busy day, and this time he didn’t have the anger to fuel it.

“My father,” Arthur grit his teeth at the name for a second, “has put Morgana and I under strict orders not to leave the castle.” He glared at Merlin as if it was the servant’s fault. Which, in all fairness, it wasn’t quite. Arthur had followed him, not the other way around.

“Yes, sire?” Merlin prompted listlessly when the prince just grimaced in frustration.

Arthur narrowed his eyes. “So, you need to…” And there went the list of jobs.

Merlin listened to it all, barely focusing. His head hurt and his chest ached and despondence had set in. Nothing seemed important right now. Still, he had a job, so he nodded and replied with automatic politeness as Arthur rambled on about unfairness and being yelled at.

As if the prat knows anything real about that, Merlin thought with vague annoyance. But he couldn’t even sum up the energy to be actually bothered or retort in some way.

His silence must have been noted because Arthur actually paused and looked at him properly with a slight frown. “I think you… want to keep busy. You should,” he corrected himself, remembering to give orders, not suggest things.

Merlin just nodded again. What did Arthur know. It was just easier to agree.

So when the seemingly unending list of jobs was complete, Merlin simply got to it. Each chore seemed to take twice the effort it had yesterday, or any other day, and there was an ache to his bones that hadn’t eased after getting up. But it didn’t matter. There were things to do.

Near the end of another busy day, Merlin saw Morgana for the first time, striding through the hallways. He hesitated, remembering his idea to thank her, but Arthur’s armour was heavy in his arms – as he’d known it would be from the morning.

Before he could make a decision, one of the gauntlets fell to the floor, making a small crash. Merlin stared dumbly at it as another part of the armour fell, and apparently everything gave up on him and crashed to the floor loudly. Merlin just closed his eyes for a sweet moment and sighed.

“Oh, there you are. Here, let me help.”

And opened his eyes just as quickly to see the Lady Morgana crouching to retrieve the fallen armour.

“It’s Arthur’s,” Merlin blurted out for some reason, and Morgana looked up at him with an amused smile.

“I know,” she said, bemused, her eyes warm.

Confused, Merlin hastily crouched to pick up the armour so she didn’t have to, but wobbled, putting out his hands to steady himself on the ground. A light hand was put on his shoulder.

He looked up guiltily to see Morgana’s expression was replaced by concern. “Are you alright?” She asked seriously.

Merlin swallowed. For some reason, her tone had more of an affect on him than anyone else had as of yet. Still, he didn’t need her worry as well. And anyway, he was the one meant to be thanking and checking on her.

“Yeah—Yes, fine. Uh, thank you.” He silently cursed himself for sounding like he was thanking her for asking when he was trying to thank her for literally going with him to his childhood village and fighting alongside commoners she didn’t even know. And as the King’s ward. The entire thing was still inexplicable to Merlin.

She nodded and offered him the pieces armour she’d retrieved, frowning as he reached out to take it.

“You’re shaking.”

“I’m alright.”

Morgana shook her head. “No, you’re not. You lost someone,” she said, her voice quiet.

There was a pause where Merlin refused to look away from the armour in his arms. Then he shrugged. “It happens.”

She was silent for a moment. “It does,” Morgana agreed, and stood up, offering a hand to help Merlin stand. He accepted it, deciding it would be more disrespectful not to, and tried not to visibly sway as blackness dotted his vision.

“Thank you,” he repeated dumbly, not sure what else to do. She nodded, again. He hoped she got it because he had to get away before he dropped the armour again or did something equally humiliating and ridiculous that she had to help with, like collapse. “I’ve got to go.”

Morgana put a hand on his shoulder again as he made to turn. “It’s alright. I can deal with Uther,” she said, apparently taking his apology and abrupt departure as fear.

Merlin chuckled wearily. “Oh, I know,” he said, and he did. The Druid boy, for one. Morgana and Uther were forever at each other’s throat, King’s ward or not. That wasn’t something he was worried about. Arthur took the yelling more to heart than Morgana would ever.

That made her smile a little, so Merlin dipped a small bit in a semblance of a bow and hurried away before she could say anything else more, especially kind words, because she was, after all, still royalty, even if she had gracefully accepted peasant life better than Arthur had. She was still the King’s ward, whatever that held, and she was still better than him.

Occupied with thoughts, Merlin rounded a corner and walked into Gwen, promptly dropping the armour once again.

“Oh! I’m sorry, are you—Merlin!” Gwen sounded reproachful, as if he had done something, and her expression was more concerned than earlier. “What’s wrong?”

“What?” Merlin blinked. As far as he knew, he should look fine, at least. No one could see how his chest ached and head pounded and bones were tired on the outside, right? It wasn’t like people could see through him. Well, perhaps Gaius, but that was an exception.

Gwen peered at him, and Merlin hastily avoided her gaze as he had done before, looking down at the fallen armour and dreading picking it all up again.

“You look… pale,” Gwen seemed to decide, before backtracking, “not that you have to look well, after what happened.” Merlin stayed silent and she hesitated, following his gaze to the floor. “Let me get that—”

“No. Gwen, don’t.” There was a sharpness in his voice he hadn’t used with Morgana, and Gwen looked at him oddly, forehead creasing with worry.

Thankfully, before they could say anything more, a voice called for Gwen from another room, and the girl glanced towards the sound and back at Merlin, opening her mouth to say something else, so he cut her off, too exhausted to counter.

“It’s fine. I’ll see you later maybe,” he said, and waved her away, already carefully crouching down to retrieve the armour for a second time. Gwen looked as though she wanted to stay and help, but assumingly Morgana called again, and she nodded hastily at Merlin, flashed him a quick smile, then hurried off to attend to her mistress.

Merlin sighed and sat on the floor. Day two and he was still a mess. He really had to pull it together.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

Delivering Arthur’s armour was like dropping a stone, the heavy weight relieved to get out of Merlin’s arms as much as he was to be free of it. His limbs felt heavy and his head felt light and seeing both Morgana and Gwen in quick succession had messed with him a bit.

Thankfully, Arthur wasn’t in his chambers to complete the trio of worry. Not that Arthur might be worried. Well, who knew. Maybe he was still thinking about burning Will, even though the man was dead, Merlin thought wryly. He knew it was a stupid thing to think and he should really stop dwelling on it – what was done was done, as Gaius liked to say – but really, the entire thing was so ridiculous. And, in all fairness, Will had burned, he was just dead before that. Lucky him.

Merlin sighed for the umpteenth time in the day and turned to leave. The sun had gone down and even if the now constant bone deep weariness wasn’t making itself well known, he would have retreated back anyway.

He found himself outside the physician’s chambers without having to think of the route. He must really be getting used to this place.

Inside, Gaius was preparing something for dinner, leaning over the pot as he stirred. He looked up as Merlin entered, but the concern in his eyes increased rather than decreased at the sight.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, clearly referring to physical health rather than anything else. Looking for something he could actually fix, perhaps.

Merlin shrugged. Nothing new, he thought, but didn’t bother to reply.

He started towards his room, paused briefly by Gaius saying, “You should have some dinner, you’ve barely eaten.”

Merlin just glanced back and wrinkled his nose, the smell of food already making him nauseous, which in turn made him cough. He shook his head in reply. “Not hungry,” he said hoarsely, and wearily crossed the threshold to his room and pulled the door to.

It wasn’t that late, but he found himself laying on his bed anyway, eyes closing against the candlelight nearby which made his head hurt worse. He shivered slightly and crossed his arms over his chest firmly, vaguely hoping that would stop it aching and also stop the cold. It, of course, did neither, but trying to pull the blanket out from under him proved too tiring, so he settled for lightly shivering into a pain filled doze in order to escape consciousness for a moment.

Barely ten minutes later, Merlin heard the door being pushed open, but was in too much of a daze to react as something scratchy yet soft was draped over him and a cool hand pushed his fringe back and settled meaningfully on his forehead for a short moment.

It was nice, but somewhere he remembered that he wasn’t allowed to be cared for, and tried to turn his head away with a sigh.

The presence retreated, which woke Merlin more than Gaius being in the room had, and he shivered again, opening his eyes a little to see a blanket on him. Oh, right. He struggled to sit up and draw it around him tightly, bowing his head as pain rose again at the upright position.

It hurt so much that he missed Gaius returning until he felt someone tap the hand that was cradling his head.

“Here.” Gaius put something in his hand and pushed it towards him. “Drink it.”

His voice was soft and his presence sitting on the bed was reassuring, and Merlin sighed and sipped at the small cup of presumably medicine until it was empty and taken back.

Merlin grumbled to himself as he waited hopefully for whatever it was to kick in, aware Gaius was probably watching him closely, concern clear. But he didn’t say anything until Merlin’s expression

cleared just slightly, some of the pain edging away.

Then Gaius gently reached out and tipped his face up, studying him. “You haven’t been ill since you arrived,” Gaius said quietly, moving his hand to gently touch the back of his fingers to a cheek.

“Mm.” Merlin could only close his eyes, no longer able to pretend to be fine or refuse care. No doubt the despondence that had settled in since his return had helped with whatever this was. It still sat tight in his chest along with the threat of cough now.

Gaius sighed, but it wasn’t with disappointment. Merlin grimaced all the same, squinting up at his mentor. “Sorry,” he murmured, not entirely sure what he was talking about.

“Hush,” Gaius shushed him firmly, not about to let unnecessary apologies take reign. He stood up and put a hand on the boy’s blanket covered shoulder. “Lay down.”

He pushed ever so lightly, guiding Merlin down to rest his warm forehead on the pillow and he automatically tried to tuck his legs in, trying to curl his body to get away from the pain, supressing a shiver.

Gaius took the edge of the blankets and tucked them around carefully so Merlin was completely covered. The fever wasn’t too bad, but was already conflicting temperatures, so the light blanket he’d fetched from the other room was best.

He sighed and gently brushed hair back from where it began to gather to stick to sweat on the boy’s forehead. “It wasn’t your fault. Get some sleep. We’ll be talking about this when you’re better,” he said, but the sternness was soft.

Merlin just mumbled and hunched his shoulders, eyes already closed. “Tired…”

“I know. Sleep.”

His face relaxed a little as sleep claimed him, and Gaius watched silently, berating himself for not acting sooner despite what he had literally just told his ward. Classic hypocrisy.

He sighed again and went to collect a few things, returning to sit at Merlin’s desk and mix a sweet tea of medicinal herbs for sickness, and more importantly to keep watch, as he’d promised the boy’s mother all those months ago now.

The return to the village had not been a good one, but it had renewed his promise even though Gaius had not been there himself.

* * *

Merlin woke himself up with coughing. He groaned quietly and opened his eyes, squinting to look at the window. It seemed like early morning. 

He sighed and took stock. Everything still hurt, but maybe slightly less than before. His head ached and his body felt sluggish. But most of all, there felt like there was something heavy on his chest. It clearly wasn't physical - the thin woollen blanket that covered him couldn't cause this pressure. It made it a little hard to breathe, but that was also because he was suddenly thinking about Will who had a crossbow bolt fire point blank at his chest and that must have hurt much more than this.

The thought made his chest burn and he coughed and it felt worse.

Outside the room, there was the background hum of talking, so Merlin tried to focus up and listen, moving as little as possible, just in case it was important. It probably wouldn't be, but any hint as to anything that might be going on could be helpful in the long run.

"I thought he didn't look well."

"Yes. It's not too bad, though, thankfully. He just needs rest and medicine. But ideally he should also talk about what happened. No doubt dwelling on the situation trod him down enough to fall ill."

Gwen sighed. "Hm. It was definitely odd. I haven't seen him sick since he arrived. Apart from being poisoned, of course," she added, a little humour in her tone to help the levity of the conversation. "But that was different. This is... it's strange, to see him like this."

"I know." Gaius sounded worried, and Merlin wished he was strong enough to get up and reassure them.

He coughed again and felt miserable and wondered why people cared about him when they would just all die like Will had done. Admittedly, he had been saving Arthur, not Merlin, but it was the same difference, really. 

And he had meant it when he offered to stay. But his mother, as ever, had known him better than he knew himself, and sent him away with the others come morning, just watching as they left together, bound for Camelot. Their home. Gwen and Morgana and Arthur's home, certainly. But even after what Merlin had told Arthur - had he truly had any luck with fitting in here any more than Ealdor? - he wasn't sure where he belonged.

Then the door opened quietly and someone stepped in, and a small hand was put on his back. 

"I don't like seeing you like this," Gwen said quietly. "I know you lost a friend, but I'm still here. We all came for you, remember? Not that we didn't care about the village," she added hastily, the backtracking just so much like her that Merlin relaxed in her solid presence. "And I know that Arthur's a prince and Morgana is a royal as well, but they care, I know."

Her faith in royals came from serving them for her whole life, Merlin considered. And in this case, it wasn't badly placed, and hopefully never would be. Arthur was destined to be king and Morgana, well hopefully she would find her place too.

"But. I don't mean that this is your fault," she continued, and gave his shoulder a pat, "None of us, even you, can help getting sick, even you know that! But I do agree with Gaius, you have to talk about it, because if you don't it'll run you down. More than it already has," she finished pointedly.

Merlin sniffed. "Alright," he practically whispered, and squinted one eye open to see Gwen's look of surprise, and twitched a smile.

After a moment, she smiled back, though it was still worried. "Good," she simply said, and paused. "Well, you're obviously not dying so I can't kiss you, but get better soon!" It was a joke, because the best way to deal with near death situations was certainly humour, but Merlin appreciated her faith in the firm fact he was not dying this time.

"Thanks." He grinned properly, the exchange so familiar by this point. Gwen just nodded, looking slightly relieved, and Merlin felt better from that alone.

She glanced up to see Gaius standing in the doorway, and nodded at him, trusting her friend's wellbeing wholly in the hands of another close friend. Not the fact that he was the court physician, but because they were practically family. Their own little family they had made, and they needed to keep it that way. 

So with a last look at Merlin huddled on his bed but very pointedly not dying, she left the two to their home.

* * *

After Gwen left, Gaius gave him a visual once over and went over to pick up a cup from his desk. Merlin wrinkled his nose, pushing himself up a little on his elbows.

"What's that?" He asked warily. As the physician's assistant he was well aware of the all sorts of things that went into various potions. And it wasn't like there was much to flavour anything better than the bitter taste of herbs.

Gaius didn't answer with anything more than an eyebrow raise as he approached and sat on the edge of the bed. 

"You must be doing better if you have the energy to complain," he commented, but with a smile to show he was teasing, that nevertheless didn't quite hide the worry in his face. Merlin grimaced as the cup was put in his hand and he coughed unhappily, peering at the dark liquid.

There was a pause, then Gaius very gently cuffed the back of his head. "Oh, hush," he said, even though Merlin hadn't said anything. "Drink it down and rest and you'll be back to work in no time."

"Who says I want to go back to work," Merlin grumbled, taking a sip and making a face. Gaius pushed the cup towards him again.

"Arthur does," he said mildly, and Merlin looked at him in legitimate surprise. 

"What? He's always telling me I'm the worst."

Gaius shook his head a little and gestured for him to drink more. "The prince doesn't mean it, as you well know. Following a servant to fight for a village isn't just something he does for fun." Gaius rose an eyebrow to make his point and Merlin looked away, taking another sip of the potion drink and trying not to stick his tongue out like a child.

Gaius had said a similar thing after the poisoning incident. 'Not many would have risked what he had for a servant.' It was, admittedly, true. No matter how much Arthur seemed to want to complain about Merlin, when it came down to the wire, he usually followed, often against advice and orders, even his father's. Of course, there were still things he couldn't do, couldn't overrule, but one day he would be king and there would be nothing standing in his way.

And, Merlin supposed, if the Great Dragon spoke the truth - which it was likely, because the beast really liked prattling on about destiny given half the chance - then he would be by Arthur's side as the prince became king.

It was a lot to think about, and for the first time since arriving back, Merlin considered life beyond the fact that his childhood best friend had just died doing his job and taking his blame.

But, Will couldn't be hurt now, at least. And Merlin was safe in his place thanks to another lie. But despite a life of lies and shadows that Camelot forced over him, this was a good place. It wasn't home, it wasn't anything like home - how could it be? But he'd said to Arthur, he didn't know if he fit in yet. And he supposed this was the answer.

Merlin took a deep breath and felt his chest loosen, either from the medicine or the thoughts, or more likely both.

He felt the mostly empty cup taken from his grasp and glanced up, slightly dazed from all the thinking, to Gaius who was watching him patiently as he came to realisations. 

"I know it's difficult, but there is life after loss, Merlin," he said, and for a moment his age really showed. But then it was gone, and he was the wise court physician again who kept his emotions in check because there were too many years to think about.

It felt surreal to Merlin to think that he would be like that someday, so many experiences under his skin. So he decided not to think of it, just to thank that Gaius was here to advise and help without question. Or, well, actually, with question. But it was fair enough to be asked whether he had enchanted a sword to save a king who didn't deserve it in order to save a prince that did, or to question safety when helping a druid in a place that would and did try to kill him in a second because there was some connection there.

From being thrown into walls to drinking poison and facing griffins and finding friends, Merlin considered that his stay in Camelot had not been easy. But that didn't mean it couldn't be home.

"Will was the only thing left for me there," he said suddenly. "Of course, my mother is still there, but she can come here if she needs." And hopefully she would, Merlin vowed to himself, having reminded her of the exact same thing before departure. "Arthur asked me why I left." He added.

"And what did you say?"

Merlin shrugged. "That I didn't fit it. And I wasn't sure if I did here either."

Gaius hummed in reply and stood up, putting the drink on the side table and gently pushing Merlin's shoulder to make him lie down again, then fiddling with the blankets to spread it around evenly. "And have you come to a conclusion?"

He gave a small yawn, talking and thinking more exhausting than they had ever been before.

"Well, it'll do, won't it," he said, and smiled, tired but satisfied, up at the person who had been the start of calling this place home, already at peace with that thought.

Gaius chuckled softly and there was a gentle hand on his forehead as his eyes closed. "You'll be alright. Get some sleep." Gaius retreated, leaving warmth in his wake, to watch over from afar this time, now he knew his charge was safe, in body and mind.

And without question for once, Merlin obeyed, safe and warm and more at home than he had been since he left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's 3am in England and I am tired but I have to finish things I start or it'll never get done  
> this is the most I've written in literal ages and I was at uni writing assignments last year  
> anyway there idk what this is but take it bc it's kind of sweet and nice and it's 3am and i'm going to bed now

**Author's Note:**

> Oh my gosh why is this so long I haven't written in ages and this just happened and it's past midnight now just take it


End file.
